Free

I slept fitfully last night. The kids used my phone to listen to a sleep story, and I was too tired to retrieve it after they fell asleep. My alarm, set for 5:45, is outrageously loud, and I've been meaning to figure out how to turn down the volume. But I haven't yet, and I was afraid the alarm would jar the kids awake and set everyone off on the wrong foot this morning.

The problem was solved when my daughter came in at 4:45am for help with her sheets; she peed the bed by accident, so after I helped her with clean bedding, I grabbed my phone.

When the alarm finally went off, I couldn't get up. I was filled with dread. Dread about setting the right tone and convincing C to go to school after a week home sick. Weariness about getting to the doctor's appointments, play practices, and therapy appointments on time. Worried I hadn't finished the firm wrap-up in time for the end of the month. Concerned that my failure to make healthy meals recently was impacting my family negatively.

My husband surprised me by making coffee, which was a wonderful gift. My kids miraculously got ready without too much complaining. Lunches packed, medicine taken. We were in good shape. And then, I can't even remember what triggered it - probably the kids bickering and failing to do their final chores - but I lost my patience. It was the, 'I'm frustrated and am raising my voice but not screaming but you know I mean business' voice. And that sent C into a tailspin. He refused to come near me and said he was afraid of me. Because most of the time I stay calm, and he's not used to angry or frustrated mommy. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown if he didn't go to school, and I told my husband as much.

I felt really, really angry. Aren't I allowed to get frustrated? Do I have to be perfect all the time to hold this family together? Why am I never allowed to lose my temper or patience? Why am I the only one in this family who does not have ADD and therefore am the only one with the responsibility and ability to keep the system running smoothly? If I don't remember mealtimes, if I don't pivot and redirect, if I don't problem solve, if I don't calm things down, if I don't remember appointments, often we go off course as a family. That's a lot of responsibility. But also, there's another truth buried in there: I am a doer and probably codependent, and it's possible (likely) that I need to step back to allow my family space to learn and grow and figure things out for themselves. The reality of that, though, is that we're all going to be mighty uncomfortable if I let go of the reins, and it's going to put a big strain on my marriage. I have data to prove it. We've been there before, when I was working full time. So what's a girl to do? I don't want to be a control freak or too judgmental, but I also want a peaceful life. Baby steps.

Back to this morning. My husband saved the day by taking the kids to school on the way to work. I apologized for losing my patience and told the kids I loved them.

My daughter is not on ADD medication; her doctor feels that it would cause her anxiety to spike, and that's our main priority at the moment as long as she's functioning in school. This means that B cannot follow a conversation and interrupts constantly, cannot remember library books, cannot remember her table manners, cannot sit still for more than 30 seconds. She's almost 9, and while I certainly don't expect kids to behave perfectly, we've been modeling and teaching this stuff since she was little. A lot of the time J and I are patient, but sometimes we snap at her. More than we should.

Accountability, natural consequences, understanding, acceptance. I don't know what the right balance is for any of it but I need to let go a little for my own sanity. Not let go in the sense that I don't continue to try to teach and model, but let go of caring as much about my children's actions and consequences (in an age appropriate way). If I remind B to practice her lines for her play and she doesn't? Well, there will be natural consequences. I need to accept that her inability to concentrate means that her test scores at school probably will not reflect what I believe to be her true intellectual capacity. (Great podcast episode that speaks to this - We Can Do Hard Things, 5/30/23.) She is bright and doing well in school and has friends. She doesn't have to be perfect. She is an incredible human being: brave, creative, kind.

C is younger and has his own neurodiverse brain, so he needs different support. He is on ADD medication and it very obviously helps his ability to pay attention. I still worry about others' reactions to him, though. I worry about children's reactions on the playground, teachers' reactions, etc. I worry that he will be stereotyped. He tries so fucking hard all the time to hold it together around others that I feel we need to be extra gentle and supportive when he has a tough day. There's less than a month left of school and I have not needed to pick him up early for behavioral reasons once this year. Not once. He has multiple best friends and is described as kind and empathetic. We must celebrate his recovery. He needs to learn that he doesn't have to feel ashamed when he makes a mistake or loses his temper. I need to learn that I don't need to feel ashamed when I make a mistake or lose my temper. I need to be ok with him being mad or sad with me when I lose my patience. I need to be more patient and appreciative of the gifts the members of the family bring to the table. I am not superior because it is easy for me to stay organized. I struggle in many areas, like my urge to regulate others and anticipate others' feelings and needs. I come by that honestly. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and learned to be incredibly intuitive when it came to judging others' moods and trying to mitigate negative consequences. I am an adult now, though, and that protective part of me is no longer needed in the same way. Sure, it makes me empathetic and thoughtful and detail oriented, but it can also be restrictive and crushing. I need to let go of the fear and control, because it is no longer serving me. I need my children to feel free to breathe and explore and have enough latitude to discover themselves. I don't want to teach them to be afraid. What a gift it is to feel comfortable amidst the messiness of life.

Florence + the Machine has a great song called "Free." I love the first few lines:

Sometimes I wonder if I should be medicated.

I'd probably feel better just lightly sedated.

The feeling[s] come so fast, and I cannot control it.

I'm on fire, but I'm trying not to show it.

God do I feel that. Right on, Florence. In her song, when she is dancing, she is free. There's something about embodiment and art, allowing your physical body to be, not controlling it or your emotions, just expressing and improvising and letting it all pass.