I just heard something beautiful by the poet Hanna Leana Kuss: "Your regulated nervous system helps other people to heal." She also wrote this poem that speaks to how I want to parent. Love or Fear? fear says if i don't control this something terrible will happen love says i will stay even when i cannot control the outcome fear says if i don't intervene i will lose you love says i trust your soul and i trust mine fear says your pain is my failure love says your path is not mi

Yesterday was a good day. My son called my dad to see if he could drive him to Plum Island to go beachcombing. My dad agreed, and the two of them had a wonderful time. They even stopped at the "best restaurant in the world" on the way home - Panera. At home we examined the shells and did a little research. My son was duly impressed by bivalves: "They have gills?! They have a heart?!" I didn't feel like I was drowning in sadness yesterday, either. There are so many gradations

The bloodwork came back negative for strep. Now I'm not sure about next steps. Follow through with the referral to Dartmouth Hitchcock in case it's PANS? When life goes smoothly for a while I'm lulled into a sense of normalcy. The homeschool/school routine for the kids, talking with friends and family, puttering through my work, playing outside. And then I try to push us to try to do something fun or "typical" - this morning I proposed we go swimming - and things crumble. My

This morning my son is getting bloodwork done. We're looking into a potential PANDAS diagnosis. My basic understanding is that PANDAS is a neuropsychiatric disorder caused by levels of strep bacteria in the blood. It can cause OCD and really erratic behavior and is treated in large part by antibiotics. We're having the bloodwork done by childlife specialists at our local hospital, and my fingers are crossed that the draw is successful. My son has never had bloodwork done befo

According to one report it was negative twelve degrees this morning. Thank goodness the days are getting longer. I was proud of my family today. Homework with my daughter before her late-start at school. Two work meetings that provided much needed adult interaction. Then, third grade math with my son. I suggested we cook or bake something together after his schoolwork, and he chose to make me scrambled eggs. He normally does a bang-up job with them, but the salt must have com

I became angry the other day while reading Mary Oliver. I love her poetry and have "The Journey" framed above my bed. But as I read my comfort poems I wondered: Where are the poets with neurodiverse children? What would Mary Oliver's poetry have evolved into if she had a child who struggled with suicide for years on end? Mary Oliver had her own demons, of course, including a traumatic childhood. "Tell me about your despair." But what if, as an adult, she parented a child with

Lightly, child, lightly. More victories. Swimming, day-long outings with friends. Building tolerance - both of us. Letting go - me. Astonishment: look, those are my children, out in the world. Listen to them speak! What a wonder. Fear like the frost on the windshield, dissolving with the warmth.

On Monday, the dentist had a cancellation. My son has not had a successful dental visit in over five years. Five. I was so nervous to bring him in that I could feel the waves of anxiety rolling through my body on the drive. The dental hygienist was an angel sent from heaven. She gave constant reassurance, explained every step of her process, and involved my son in the decision-making. She even - and this made me cry in relief - asked the dentist to skip the final exam so that

Encountering joy is like finding the crappie swimming under the ice in the frozen pond. I'm mostly oblivious to it during this season of life. It's an abstract concept. Unless I chip, chip, chip away at the ice with tears, coffee, therapy, love, friends, physical movement, sunshine, journaling, candles, heat... and then, after twelve inches and aching arms a well of icy cold water rushes up through the hole. And if I'm patient, and if I have the right tools or equipment, I ca

How does co-dependency work in parenting, I asked my therapist this morning. Or is that even the right term? I'm trying to figure out how...

I took a short walk at sunset. Not very far, just down to Powderhouse Hill. Skaters on the flooded basketball court, skiers on the...

"Our family is a group project." ~Once Upon a Gene, Episode 184 with Janie Reade I'm listening to a podcast about Syngap1. It's for work,...

Most choices exist under constraint. The choice for work and childcare is a massive constraint. ~Dr. Kathryn Anne Edwards, Camp Wire,...

Jumping into writing after almost half a year away is daunting, so I'm going to skip straight to some of my recent favorite quotes. The...

4 o'clock sunlight is my favorite. I'm grateful to the sun for slanting through the windows and finding me inside when I long to be...

I'm in a no-bull-shit mood today. I firmly, lovingly, and clearly pre-taught my expectations for my children this morning as to their...

This morning I lost my ever-loving shit. Fortunately, no one else was around, not even the dog (and the cat was outside, otherwise she'd...

Nadia Bolz-Weber: The devestation of our first heartbreak is inextricably linked to all of the worthiness we attached to being the object...

I never merited this grace, that when I face upstream I scent the virgin breath of mountains, I feel a spray of mist on my cheeks and...

Tell all the truth but tell it slant -- Success in Circuit lies Too bright for our infirm Delight To Truth's superb surprise As...