Adrift

I like the definition of adrift that says a person or thing is free from restraint. The state of being can be negative, positive, or neutral.

Or, as Bao Phi writes in his poem Adrift,

Sometimes not making sense and floating are the same.

Each wave its own beginning and ending.

Immigration, flotsam in the ocean, motherhood, middle age.

It is scary to be at the mercy of time and tide, but pretending that I am in control is even more terrifying. Better to acknowledge the whimsical, frightening, sometimes nonsensical nature of existence than outer truth not reflecting inner truth.

With each milestone my children achieve, another string connecting them to me in dependence is cut. This is cause for celebration but also leaves me to feeling unmoored.

Given the positive reports received at C's annual IEP and both children's progress in therapy, I recently started the job search again. I could return to law and self-employment, but law was never my passion. I have a more measured view of my strengths and weaknesses now, more confidence, and I want to explore the non-profit world.

I thought I had a promising lead. I was asked for an initial interview immediately after sending in my application, and the job seemed to check all the boxes: serving an at-risk population, flexibility for remote work, the ability to apply my skills and passions, etc. However, during my research of the board of this organization, I discovered that several members had drastically different world views. The differences surpassed standard political party affiliations and extended to the extreme. Ironic, especially considering the purpose of the non-profit. I concluded I could not take direction from a board that does not represent or allow for my core beliefs.

The depth of my disappoint is surprising, especially given the fact that a mere 24 hours has passed since I received the email offering an initial interview. I'm trying to drill down and figure out why this impacted me emotionally. I'm guessing it has something to do with the promise of structure, stability, and professional identity.

I am not a traditionally religious person, but I do believe in the connectedness of life on earth and that our existence has a purpose, even if that purpose is simply to love each other. I also believe that there are things I do not understand. It's impossible to see an overarching theme or trajectory of one's life while in medias res. I can rage against the machine or I can be present in each stage and trust that, as long as I am making deliberate micro decisions, the big picture will unfold as it should. Which is hopeful, even amidst the panic of feeling adrift.