"Don't look at me in that tone of voice" ~ Dorothy Parker

I'm sure Dorothy Parker would agree that marriage is a patriarchal institution. Maybe she's even written about that very topic. In a truly egalitarian society, everyone would receive healthcare and childcare, and men and women would both be free to pursue their professional, social, and sexual goals. Right now it's pretty clear that marriage benefits men, especially when it comes to family life.

I am fortunate. My husband is kind, loving, progressive, and a feminist. He is one of my best friends.

What if I had more support with childcare from relatives, though? How would that impact me personally? What if we didn't have to spend $17,000 a year out of pocket plus insurance premiums on healthcare. Right now, I pick up the slack because we cannot afford to pay someone else to do it. I arrange the therapies, appointments, IEP meetings, playdates, car inspections, and birthday gifts. I pick up the trash and clothes everyone leaves strewn about the house. I handle the emotional warfare waged by our tiny, neurodiverse humans.

Even though the United States has some of the worst maternity, paternity, family and health supports of a first world country, even though the middle class is shrinking and the cost of buying a modest home is a huge reach for many, the men/husbands in these scenarios are much less affected. Even though it was a team decision, the fact still stands that my husband gets to seek professional and social fulfillment at work, the joy of a healthy family, and the privilege of a clean home. Actually, that last bit is kind of a lie. I find cleaning a waste of time.

A different world requires monumental, seismic change, change that many strong individuals have been working toward (thank you, Gloria Steinem). I even had the deck stacked in my favor. I didn't get married young; I was 27 when I met my now-husband, and 30 when we married. Our first child was born when I was 32. We both have graduate degrees. Again, my complaint is one of privilege. And yet. It took until I was 27 to realize that I didn't need to settle for someone who loved me and that I could do the choosing. The selection process was absolutely crucial to my future. Emotionally mature and fiscally stable? Someone who wasn't insecure about my intelligence and didn't belittle me for being a vegetarian? I won the lottery.

I want my children to grow up with a stronger sense of self than I did. I want them to be comfortable with their bodies, proud of their skills, accepting of their limitations. I just purchased four books on puberty, sex, and body positivity, but it's going to take more than literature. I need to cultivate a culture of openness, safety, and acceptance. I need to let go of perfection. We, as a family, need to hold ourselves accountable for our stereotypes. Not by passive-aggressively sending my husband NYT articles about emotional labor (sorry, J), but through compassionate conversation. Maybe when my children are grown, marriage won't even be the norm. Perhaps we will discover other, more egalitarian ways of keeping families and children safe and thriving. Hopefully we, as humans, will continue to think creatively and more expansively. We need more cultural anthropologists. Margaret Margaret Mead recognized that a community can value one trait while devaluing others, and that this has consequences. It is imperative to continue to question stereotypes. After all, "[a]n ideal culture is one that makes a place for every human gift."