Fallen

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck a duck.

My heart broke anew this morning. C refused to leave the car for school again. Throwing water bottles, shouting, wailing. And I did not have as much patience as I did last week. I tried for a while, I really did, and then I yelled. I'm not proud of it. I told him I loved him but I was angry and frustrated. And then I started to cry. And then he felt awful for making me cry. Basically, there were many tears. Lots of people saw us crying today. And guess what? He's recovering from an ear infection. And I was an unsympathetic parent, forcing him to go to school. Did I make the right call? Who the hell knows. He's been on antibiotics for three days.

It took a village but he eventually made it through those ugly, metal elementary school doors. And then you know what I did? I sat in front of the tv ALL DAY. I got up to get Fritos. Lunch of fucking champions, that. I watched Ginny & Georgia, which, if I didn't feel bad enough already, only served to rub in what a lightweight I am. Georgia is running from the law and has suffered unmentionable horrors in her life, and here I am, sitting on my privileged ass crying because it was tough bringing my child to school today.

I will say, though, at 3pm, I swiped on some deodorant, put on a bra, brushed my teeth, and drove my sorry self to school to pick up my brave child. Color me a hero. And he was ok. I think he had a good day (although he did tell me he ran into a tree...). And my daughter participated in the newly formed Civil Rights Team, and I just picked her up. And now we are here, all home safe, with my husband home early, and frozen pizza soon to go in the oven. I will try again tomorrow. With less cursing and wallowing.

The picture above isn't pretty, but it is remarkable. It's milkweed growing from concrete, up through some caulking gunk next to our asbestos siding. Talk about a resilient mother-fucker. And how beautiful that its purpose is to provide life-giving fuel and shelter to an endangered species. Did you know that it is the ONLY food the inimitable monarch caterpillar eats?

Once upon a time I taught English to over-age middle school students in a city down south. We used a compilation of Tupac's poetry in one of our units, and I often think of his titular poem, The Rose that Grew from Concrete:

Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack/

in the concrete/

Proving nature's laws wrong it learned 2 walk/

without having feet/

Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams/

it learned 2 breathe fresh air/

Long live the rose that grew from concrete/

when no one else even card!

I would not even begin to compare my white, middle-class existence to what Tupac lived, but I like the metaphor. Kind of like the Milkweed that Grew from Asbestos. It doesn't matter that we're ugly and tired and the world is a dumpster fire, but if we, as parents, can shelter and protect and provide nourishment in the form of unconditional love to our children, that is a life well lived. And I hope that it is enough.