Getting unstuck

In Pooh Goes Visiting by A.A. Milne, Pooh visits his friend Rabbit. Pooh has a snack of course, and his round little belly gets stuck while he's trying to exit Rabbit's burrow.

"Oh, help!" said Pooh. "I'd better go back."

"Oh, bother!" said Pooh. "I shall have to go on."

"I can't do either!" said Pooh. "Oh, help and bother!"

Pooh is stuck for a week. He isn't allowed meals, because he's supposed to be getting thinner, and that makes him quite sad, but Christopher Robin reads him a "Sustaining Book, such as would help and comfort a Wedged Bear in Great Tightness." Pooh eventually pops out of the hole, thanks to the diet and the efforts of his friends. Then, "with a nod of thanks to his friends, he [goes] on with his walk through the forest, humming proudly to himself."

It's a delightful story. Pooh encounters a problem and experiences big emotions, but his friends arrive with advice and comfort. No one panics, no one forces Pooh out prematurely, no one shames him. Pooh accepts the help, waits out the discomfort, shows gratitude, and then cheerfully goes on his way, with Christopher Robin looking after him with adoration.

Sometimes being stuck doesn't have a grander purpose. There's no epiphany at the end, and it's simply uncomfortable. It can be an opportunity for us to surrender to our circumstances, though, and allow others to help us and love us. Even if we're alone, I think we can provide that love for ourselves by being patient and gentle and trusting the process, and not forcing ourselves to move on before we're ready.

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I thought I was ready to return to work last fall. I sent out several applications, none of which proved fruitful. The rejections were a blessing in disguise, though, because C still needed support, and being at home allowed me to be emotionally present and focused.

I thought I was ready to return to work this spring. I sent out more applications, but those jobs didn't pan out either. But then I had the time to focus on the annual IEP review, support my children through their doctors' appointments and therapies, cart B to play practice, and stay home when they were sick (which happened A LOT). I know full well that people do this all the time while working, and it's hard as shit to balance everything while not losing your mind or getting fired. I am grateful that I could be flexible at this point in my life.

I thought I was ready to return to work this summer, at least part-time. I signed the kids up for camps and even got to the second-stage interview process at a really fun-looking nonprofit. But, it was not meant to be. Again, though, this freed me up to volunteer in the afternoons at rec camp when C needed extra support, continue with both children's therapies, take B to piano, and organize playdates. Plus, I had the time to renew my bar licenses, sign up for a grant writing course, and supervise the painting of the office. And I can say "yes!" to more social opportunities.

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It is often quite difficult to get C out of the house. Once we're at an activity he has a blast, but oh my is it a struggle to get there. I'm practicing staying calm, and it's getting a little easier each time. Sometimes I read him "sustaining books" when he's struggling, sometimes I give him his gaming console, but we try to wait it out together. He's recovering more quickly now and seems happier when he finally gets unstuck.

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These past couple of years have taught me more about my own neurodiversity, and I'm starting to realize that as much as I think I can multitask successfully, I'm not actually that great at it. There's a huge cost. I get super overwhelmed, depressed, and anxious when I'm responsible for a demanding job and my neurodiverse offspring, and I can't really be present in the way I'd like. I realize these sentences reek of privilege; I'm grateful but simultaneously frustrated that our society is set up in a way that it's a "privilege" to be home your small kids while also having shelter and enough to eat.

This spring, I signed up for a "board explorer" platform on a nonprofit job bulletin, which basically means I put my name out there as someone interested in volunteering as a nonprofit board member. Someone contacted me recently! Without getting into too much detail, the non-profit supports free classical music education for kids, and they need new board members. I spoke with one of the musicians/Program Director this morning, and it was a lovely conversation. I'm cautiously optimistic and energized.

It seems like slowly, slowly, C and I are becoming unstuck together. Our nervous systems are calming, and we're trying new things bit by bit. I'm writing now, something that I was always afraid to do. Just like I don't need to show up in the world in the perfect body, I don't need to express myself in a perfect way. I just need to do it. All the better if I can do it in a way that keeps my mind open to growth.