Humility, Language, and Being a Bad Bitch

In middle school I read through the entire Bible, Old & New Testament, three times. I'm talking cover to cover, with footnotes. I took notes, underlined passages, memorized verses. We stopped going to my traditional, evangelical church, in 5th grade, and the departure left me feeling completely unmoored. I panicked. You can't tell a child that if she wears jewelry, watches tv on the Sabbath or dances she's going to hell and then all of sudden just say, J/K! We're going to a Congregational Church now. I was a rule follower. So now we're all going to hell? Let me do some research and write a book report before we all die in the eternal fire. It didn't help that, simultaneously, I took a deep dive into the Holocaust because of the seventh grade curriculum. Let's just say those nightmares were pretty bracing.

The thing that was drilled into me as a young child in the church was humility. I vividly remember a poster in the basement Bible School classroom (the same place I got Cat Scratch Fever from some unvaccinated kittens, and my folks thought I had a deathly childhood disease for a moment) that had JOY printed as a vertical acronym: Jesus First, Others Next, Yourself Last. The part where you would go to hell otherwise was implied.

I have always been a devoted student. My processing speed is a little slow, but you give me an assignment and I will do my absolute best to get it right, even if it takes hours and hours. The Jesus part was covered by prayers and Bible reading and verse memorizing; the "Others" part was being kind, sharing, giving away my favorite stuffy to a missionary's box, and eschewing vanity. Humility was huge. In the Bible, there are over one hundred verses that speak to humility or meekness. Humility precedes forgiveness from God. Humility is rewarded. It is implied (and directly stated) that we must be humble because basically we're tarnished beings and can never truly be beautiful or good without God's help.

There are many gorgeous words written in the Bible. I'm especially fond of 1 Corinthians 13:13: And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is Love. The Bible contains stories of unconditional love, small acts done for our neighbors, and reflections on nature. It is poetic and a valuable piece of literature. Many Christians, some of whom are in my life, are living examples of kindness, love, and generosity. The particular brand of religion of my youth, though, was pretty heavy-handed. And for someone who saw things in black and white, who had OCD and severe anxiety, that type of religion was not the best fit for me.

Humility is a two-edged sword. Humility is important if you want to understand someone's point of view. It helps us remember we are not infallible, and that our opinion does not matter more than someone else's. But being humble can also mean that you are not proud, that you believe in your insignificance. Someone who has been humbled -- passive voice -- has their independence, power and will obliterated (thanks Dictionary.com). Meekness is even worse: passivity, obedience, submissiveness.

One of the best decisions I ever made was to go to college. Not just to attend college, but to matriculate at a college on the other side of the country. Yes, the institution still had/has a ways to go to reach full economic and racial diversity, but the place was worlds better than what I left behind. It wasn't all white. There were Queer Rights flags on campus. The professors taught courses on women in the criminal justice system. I met open-minded peers and critically thinking teachers. It blew my mind. Picture Forrest Gump or Country Mouse goes to the City. Talk about a naïve protagonist.

Basically, education did its job. A little Foucault and a lot of Emerson, and here I am. I learned to examine my world beliefs; it's an on-going process. One writer, one book, led to another. A new friend, a trip abroad. Eventually, I started to learn that I was a prisoner of irrational fear. What actually makes someone bad? Dancing? That does not make any sense. Why is sexuality perceived as bad? Why are many of these rules centered on the restriction of women, their bodies and voices? I smell a conspiracy! If there is a God, it's pretty bold to assume that we can understand him/her/it, especially given the omnipotence thing, and also, isn't the whole point to love? The rest is just details. Shouldn't we start by just being nice to other people? That other shit, those arbitrary but decidedly patriarchal rules, just get in the way.

Anyway, I'm living out loud so many years later, swearing like a sailor, wearing earrings, and drinking wine. I figured out that for me, it is more important to place self-actualization over blindly following rules that deny my basic thoughts, feelings, and desires. The rules are a distraction. The important work is taking care of each other, and that requires a recognition and respect of each person's uniqueness. Hell yes to independence, free will, and power over one's own body and mind. I can also take back the power of language and assign meaning to my vocabulary and expression. Swearing, for me, is a way of taking power back; I can use it for play or humor. It's a choice I get to make. Which is why these days, I love songs like Lizzo's Truth Hurts:

I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that bitch

Even when I'm crying crazy

Yeah, I got ... problems, that's the human in me

Bling bling, then I solve 'em, that's the goddess in me

You coulda had a bad bitch ....

But you're holding me back

And that's the sound of me not calling you back.

Mike drop from another bad bitch with the goddess in her.