Night moves

Last evening en route to equine therapy, B asked, "Can you decide if you want babies, or do you just have them?" Ironically, this question arose as we drove past the adult video store where B thinks grownups can rent R-rated movies.

We have not had the sex talk yet. Not because I'm avoiding it (well, mostly not because of that), but because I'm taking the approach that I will answer her questions factually, in an age-appropriate matter, as they arise. She is a young 8. I think the pandemic prolonged the innocence of her generation. No - the innocence of the privileged within her generation. Not all of her peers were so lucky.

The last time she asked a related question (thank you, "Turning Red"), I outlined the mechanics of menstruation while she listened in horror. She was wearing a giraffe costume at the time and trotted out of the room shouting, "I'm going to adopt!" Clearly I did not explain the inevitability of periods well enough.

This time, I paused and then said, "No. You don't have to have babies. You get to decide when and if you want them." I hope. There is much work to do in post-Roe v. Wade America. I braced myself and started to launch into contraception, but by then B had already lost interest. And then "Night Moves" by Bob Seger came on, and that was a wrap.

How do I introduce sex without shame or religion, specters that burdened my own education? I recently listened to an episode of "We Can Do Hard Things" featuring Mae Martin. Mae discussed how their parents gave them diagrams and explained the deed through an LGBTQ+ friendly lens. That is more the direction I'd like to take.

I often feel like I'm educating and raising myself along with my children. While fortunate in avoiding the worst of our sexist, predatory culture, I still spent an unhealthy amount of time in my twenties believing that I owed pleasure first and foremost to my [male] partner. I even admit to checking out a book at my college library to teach myself sex. Now I can watch Ali Wong's specials without blushing, but it took a long time to reach that level of comfort. And I am still learning about my body and my sexuality.

I cannot wait until I have reached a place of peace with my body before I teach my children about sex, because that will never happen. If I'm honest, I'm a little resentful that I spent such a big part of my youth being afraid or ashamed of myself instead of safely exploring. Sure, caution is important to prevent disease and unwanted pregnancy, but that should co-exist with natural desire and joy. When is a child or young adult old enough to recognize that balance?

I've got nothing, so I'll just turn Bob Seger back on for another few minutes.