Self-study

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm trying to figure shit out through writing. One of the things I realized during this therapeutic process: I'm kind of a dick sometimes.

I try not to be. I try to be considerate of others. But internally, I can be super judgy, and sometimes that sense of superiority oozes out, occasionally in a passive-aggressive manner. The most frequent place it manifests is at home. I've talked about how he and both my kids have ADD and that it can be a royal pain in my ass. But guess what? ADD means their brains are wired differently, and I need to reframe how I view it. I need to celebrate the gifts that it bestows. So what if they're a little disorganized? They're also highly intelligent and creative. My criticism only reveals my rigidity and fear.

So, I'm going to do what I always do when I realize I have a knowledge gap: I'm going to read about ADD. My husband bought a couple of books last year, which are still sitting on his nightstand; witty man that he is, he recognizes the irony.

Part of my fear is that my children, particularly my daughter at this point, will act in a way that's off-putting to others. (Another thing to examine: is that sexist?) I want her to develop strong friendships. I don't want her impulsivity to be her dominant personality trait. And it's not, right now, but she's on the cusp of pre-adolescence. Fear is something I'm working on in relation to both of my children. My therapist used to remind me that my past experiences and the experiences of my loved ones growing up do not automatically predict my children's future struggles. They are individual people with different stories, and we have different tools now.

I need to be a student of the ADD world before I can be a teacher to my child. And I need to leave my judgment and impatience at the door where it belongs.