Stream of consciousness

Yesterday my psychiatrist told me that I'm a good mom. The outward part of me thanked her. The inner part of me, after the meeting and after I washed my face and put on makeup so it would be less obvious to the other parents at pick-up that I had been crying, thought, "Well, I may have only presented the favorable parts of myself to Dr. M., and I may have only presented the unfavorable aspects of others, so it's possible I'm manipulating the situation and am looking for pity or validation and in fact I am not really a good mom, or maybe, I am truly trying to be a good mom but I cannot for one second let my guard down or trust the truth of that statement because first, who the hell can actually tell me that I'm a good mom and know that it's true? A god I don't believe in or maybe my children when they're 85. And second, trusting that sentiment is dangerous as fuck because then I'll start slipping and become self-centered and screw up even more. But maybe thinking about this and overanalyzing it is self-centered, which is more evidence that I'm full of myself.

After my telehealth appointment I received the proposed IEP and updated behavior plan for C and I emailed the IEP coordinator to ask for the contact info for the new BCBA and I texted my advocate to see if we can review the documents together and a tiny voice said, See, you care, you are a good mom, and the other voice said, Of course I care, that's not the point! You can still care and damage your children, and the thought of ever damaging my children breaks me and makes me start crying again. Which could be evidence of being a good mom but could also indicate that I'm a bit loopy (which is true). And who wants a neurotic mom?! This is exhausting. But maybe caring is the key.

When I'm insecure like this I also get insecure about my other relationships. Am I a bad friend? Am I too clingy? Why am I so needy? I would love to talk with my therapist but she is gone now. I do not feel abandoned, though, not by her. She gave me tools that steered me in the right direction and helped me build a better existence. I once asked her if she would be disappointed in me if I took a new job. I had only been seeing her for a couple of months, so I'm sure that question gave her a lot to unpack, but her response was so loving and mothering and accepting it released a tension I didn't realize I had been holding.

I still frequently feel like I'm a fraud, but I'm learning to surround myself with loving people. I believe in logic, so if I can trust that the people around me are my friends and love me, it is easier to believe in my own worth.