Two opposed ideas

I am probably in the minority in my dislike of The Great Gatsby. I do, however, love the following quote, also written by Fitzgerald:

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

It bothers me that these words come from an Ivy League-educated, privileged white man, but here we are. Perhaps that's evidence of the quote's profundity.

I listened to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast this morning. The hosts interviewed award-winning sports journalist Sarah Spain, and the conversation got me fired up. Sarah talked about sexism in the workplace and the world at-large and ways to heal going forward.

I am cis, white, solidly middle class, and have a higher education. In sum: I am privileged by virtue of nothing other than my birth. But hot damn if I haven't experienced sexism, too, because I am, also, female.

A few small examples, which I know are mild compared to other's experiences.

• Until the age of 10, I was raised Seventh Day Adventist, which taught, among other things, that after God, men were the head of the household. I had the poem "An 'If' for Girls" by Elizabeth Lincoln Otis on my wall. If that's not a sexist piece of verse then I don't know what is. My intrusive thoughts drove me to panic in preadolescence: any curiosity about sex in the same context as religion felt like a grave sin. I remember bursting into tears while talking with my pastor during confirmation, because I was afraid I was going to hell. I was a freshman in high school.

• I struggled with anorexia and bulimia in high school, college and beyond, both of which were tied to structure and safety but also to a desperate, desperate desire to fit the feminine ideal.

• In law school, I had a particularly offensive professor write me a scathing email because I declined to be his TA. I emailed him back telling him I did not appreciate the disrespectful tone of his email and asking him not to do it again. I was called into the dean's office for a light scolding and my father told me I should never have sent such a thing and needed to apologize immediately. Which I did, and forever regretted.

• Also in law school, I briefly dated a young man who was on the journal with me. Because he was a year ahead of me and one of the officers on the journal, I was ostracized by a couple of female friends, who said I should have been more careful about propriety and appearance. I felt so ashamed.

• In Louisiana, in the midst of serious depression and the above-mentioned bulimia, I had a man behind the counter at a food establishment look at me after I told him I was a vegetarian and say, "Well, looks like someone's been cheating on her diet."

• As a lawyer.... well, way too many to count. I will say that one of my good friends and colleagues once told me that being a female attorney was like being waterboarded every day.

Why are we, especially those who identify as female, CONSTANTLY being told to be agreeable, presentable, and deferential?

I try to speak up. I have spoken up for people I supervised at work; I fired a client for being disrespectful to my secretary; I let my daughter shave her head before kindergarten and tried to help her navigate the resulting sexist comments and assumptions; I confronted a rude a**hole at Walmart for giving a young mom a hard time. But I've also messed up. I have failed to speak up when sexist and racist things happen. Sometimes it's because I'm in shock and my tongue can't catch up with my brain, sometimes because I'm afraid; sometimes because I lack education on the issue.

I am grateful on a regular basis for the blessings in my life. I have moments every day when I think, How lucky am I to have these children, this home, my health. And I am also bitter and frustrated at the world we live in because it makes many opportunities for females difficult or impossible. That's where I was going with the Fitzgerald quote. I believe this world is beautiful, but I also believe it's a dumpster fire. I believe I am fortunate and that everything has a purpose, and I can accomplish shit, but I also understand the concept of the Just World Bias and how it's ridiculous - that people get what they deserve based on their merit. I am so happy to be alive, but I'm also angry.

I think the only real thing to do is to practice speaking up. Being self-employed taught me a great deal about how to be assertive. As someone who did not grow up being assertive, this was a hard lesson. Practicing it was excruciating in the beginning. I constantly had to ask my husband and friends for reassurance. Am I being mean? Am I being too harsh? Even though I didn't yell or swear at people, I overanalyzed things that most white males aged 50 or above would never examine.

I believe that the most important piece of advice I can teach my children is to surround themselves with good people, good friends. You cannot survive this world, you cannot stay true to yourself and your beliefs, without true friends. My friends save my life over and over and over again, because they (1) acknowledge the pain of my reality without questioning it; and (2) they reflect all of the good that I want to emulate in the world. They see the pain and the beauty, and the strong enough and intelligent enough to hold both as true.