Validation

To validate someone is to acknowledge that they are complete in their humanity. Being human means one has feelings, reactions, ideas, and beliefs.

Women are taught to rein in their humanity. Do not show the full, brilliantly colored palate of your emotions, especially outside the home. Be agreeable not assertive. Be conciliatory not confident. Take up less space so others can have more.

Someone growing up in a household with a narcissist may have their feelings invalidated at the expense of the validation of the narcissist.

People who are "othered" - via a different background or a different brain wiring - may have their words or ideas invalidated or dismissed.

I read the poem To Julia de Burgos in high school, and I never forgot it.

I belong to no one, or to everyone, because to all, everyone, In a whole feeling and thought, I give myself.

Shortly after high school graduation, I met with a therapist who gave me the gift of validation. Ostensibly I was seeing her for my eating disorder, but as we all know, eating disorders aren't about the food. The profound message she shared: I was ok, and my feelings weren't too much. That was it. That was my very first step toward recovery. Being told, You can trust yourself, was revelatory, freeing, exhilarating. Twenty-plus years later I am still learning to listen, but every time I do there's a positive result. It can be incredibly painful, because it means not conforming - that makes a lot of folks very angry - but if I'm not contorting myself into society's expectations, then I'm allowing myself to unfurl in my own true form.

It is revolutionary to trust yourself in today's world. A women who says, in words or actions, I am life, I am strength, I am woman, like Julia de Burgos, may be ostracized. To be so in touch with one's own truth, though, also means that one is in tune with others' humanity. To listen to oneself in this way does not equate to selfishness or a disregard for others' feelings. It's like the If/Then Statements and Contrapositives in the LSAT. If you trust yourself, you find validation within. You do not need someone else's validation to know your own worth. And if you find validation within, it would be incongruous not to understand that others have their own innate truth. In fact, I think it makes one more empathetic.

Be like the butterfly. You would never tell a Monarch to tone it down. So fuck those voices that tell you to hush up and stay in line. You get to breathe just as much air, and feel just as strongly about your beliefs as anyone else. Compromise when you can, always be respectful, but in the end, honor yourself by choosing your truth rather than resentfully acquiescing to what someone else demands.