Beachcombing and Bravery

Yesterday was a good day. My son called my dad to see if he could drive him to Plum Island to go beachcombing. My dad agreed, and the two of them had a wonderful time. They even stopped at the "best restaurant in the world" on the way home - Panera. At home we examined the shells and did a little research. My son was duly impressed by bivalves: "They have gills?! They have a heart?!"

I didn't feel like I was drowning in sadness yesterday, either. There are so many gradations of sadness. I think of sadness in shades of gray, like the sand dollars found on the beach. Monday I was dark gray, and the rain didn't help. It took a lot of tools from my mental toolkit to keep going. But I did it, hour by hour. I'm proud of my courage. I fought back the eating disorder ghosts and battled the worthlessness demons.

Today I even feel hope shouldering the numbness aside. Homeschooling has been going well. We do four or five mini lessons each day: math, science, reading, critical thinking about the world around us, time outdoors. We recently adjusted C's medication and he seems more engaged and energetic. My guilt about screen time has subsided a bit, especially where we have so many breaks for different activities. I'm trying to focus on what we're building: confidence, routines, and a pattern of learning. The negative self-talk has decreased, too (knock on wood).

I'm trying to use this increased bandwidth to focus more on my sweet daughter B. She's been struggling with organization and passing in assignments at school. I recently requested a 504 because I feel we need more supports in place for her ADHD. She's failing one of her classes and getting a D in another despite her/our best efforts. School is not her favorite place, although she does seem to have a great little group of artistic friends. She's back in art therapy on a regular basis, which helps, and despite the school challenges she has a positive disposition most of the time. My girl is growing up. She's experimenting and exploring. I want to keep her talking and expressing herself. Gender fluidity, hair dye, arguments, word puzzles at dinner, 3-D paper dolls made of video game characters.