Normal

The bloodwork came back negative for strep. Now I'm not sure about next steps. Follow through with the referral to Dartmouth Hitchcock in case it's PANS?

When life goes smoothly for a while I'm lulled into a sense of normalcy. The homeschool/school routine for the kids, talking with friends and family, puttering through my work, playing outside. And then I try to push us to try to do something fun or "typical" - this morning I proposed we go swimming - and things crumble. My son, who initially wanted to go, changed his mind once his sister said she didn't want to go, then everything somehow escalated into tears, panic, and extreme negative self-talk. I felt so sad and so frustrated and, something I'm not proud of, resentful. Why can't we do "normal" things on the weekend? Why do I feel like I'm a prisoner of my own home? It's especially hard at the moment because my back is currently out of commission, so I can't run like I typically do for release.

I had a flashback this morning to when the kids were really little and I had tried to take them swimming at a local river. The meltdown both of them experienced was epic to the point that I wasn't sure I was ever going to be able to get them back into the car to go home. I was completely stranded without another adult to help me in a strange place. And that's what life feels like right now, although thank god it's not as extreme at the moment.

I don't want to dwell on the negative. We are all safe. We are all healthy. So what if I need to live a quiet life right now? I just wish I had a stronger support network. I do feel like I'm building one, day by day. My beautiful aunts have been wonderful sources of support, giving me teaching materials and embroidery projects. I'm meeting a couple of friends tonight for dinner, which I'm looking forward to. But the sadness is a constant companion.