Bratty

I was a bit of a brat last night. I criticized my husband for not having a better attitude (ironic) and then lost my temper with my daughter because she could not stop perseverating over something I told her to drop (also ironic). I then stomped outside in my pajama shirt to walk up and down the street and create voice memos I'd then delete because they were too full of rage.

After a few minutes I calmed down enough to go back inside and tuck my daughter in. I apologized, and we talked about what she's struggling with right now - anxiety and OCD. I tried to approach her feelings and fears rationally and comfortingly, and then, probably equally due to her sheer exhaustion, she fell asleep as we listened to an excerpt from Matilda.

I apologized to my husband this morning and tried to genuinely listen to his worries and concerns. I share the same worries, so internally I began my classic panic-problem solve-panic mode. Then, wisely, I called a friend who listened, talked me off the ledge, and provided reassurance. Someone believes in me, even if I think I'm woefully failing at everything in life at the moment. No, I should revise that, because I want to be as honest as possible. I would give myself a C grade in life right now. Not the best, not the worst, but definitely room for improvement.

And, the kicker - the book I just started reading for inspiration, Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson, just detailed how Einstein left his lover, pregnant with his first child, to struggle alone while he traipsed around Europe full of self-importance. She consequently failed the exam that would have allowed her to pursue her own career in physics. Page 66: "Thus it was that Mileva Maric found herself resigned to giving up her dream of being a scientific scholar." Well that's some first-level bullshit. This is why I read authors like Jane Austen, because character, to her, reigns supreme. This is also why I have not discovered something akin to the theory of relativity, so I guess we've all got our strengths. Still, there's got to be a better way to allow advancement in science while not discriminating against women, because lord knows the same patriarchal systems are still around today. Anyway, I can't return to that book today because it makes me too angry.

Here's my plan for today:

-An hour of screen time for C this morning.

-Playing with his new crystal-making kit.

-Going outside/somewhere, either to our backyard pool or grocery shopping.

-Hopefully getting together with J's family, as they'll only be visiting for a couple more days.

-Screen time before dinner.

-Walking the dog or playing in the backyard as a family after dinner.

-Reading before bed.

The screentime buzzer just sounded, so it's off to the races.